


What Is This Damn Thing?

by elderwitty, squidgie



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Don't copy to another site, First Kiss, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 20:51:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17107910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elderwitty/pseuds/elderwitty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidgie/pseuds/squidgie
Summary: Things aren't always what they seem.





	What Is This Damn Thing?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wizbey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizbey/gifts).



> Written for SGA Secret Santa 2018, for wizbey who wanted "Anything that makes Rodney look brilliant". We hope you like it!

As the team walked through the Stargate, Rodney kicked a rock that jutted up through the dark soil and would have tripped if not for John's steadying hand. 

“Jesus,” he complained to John.  “Just once, I’d like to walk through the gate and find – I don’t know – a group of people civilized enough to have invented pavement?”  He looked over at the locals working the fields, most of them not giving the Atlanteans a second look. 

Rodney saw Teyla's sharp look at his criticism of Pegasus, and decided to focus on his tablet.

“You know, Rodney,” Teyla said, again garnering his attention as she brushed a few strands of hair from her eyes, “The Emtarrians would probably not mind rescheduling today's meeting, especially if we needed to go back to GC7-FR6. -“

Rodney shuddered at the memory of that mission.  “No, thank you,” he said vehemently.  “I feel no need to spend even one more hour watching multiple princesses throw themselves at Sheppard.”

“Hey, ‘s not my fault,” John said.

“Hardy breeding stock,” Rodney said, rolling his eyes.  When Ronon laughed, he added, “And don’t you start!  Half a dozen women _and_ a few of the men threw themselves at you, too.”

Ronon whacked Rodney on the shoulder, making him stumble again.  “Don’t knock it ‘til you've tried it." 

Rodney didn’t _want_ to knock it – in fact, he very much wanted to try it.  But the only guy he was interested in only seemed attracted to women (the few times he noticed _anyone_ ).  Rodney never even saw John glance in an attractive man's direction.

Before Rodney could respond, Teyla cut the conversation short by announcing, “I believe I see Janaar.”  She smiled as the tall, dark-skinned man approached.  Janaar greeted them warmly and walked them back to his village while catching up with Teyla. 

“Rodney,” John said, shoulder-bumping him when he continued studying his datapad.

“What?”

John made his 'pay attention' face and very pointedly looked at their surroundings.  Following his lead, Rodney realized that the village looked like an outcropping of Ancient buildings.  “Oh!” That explained the readings he was seeing, and he was irresistibly drawn back to his datapad. 

Soon after, they reached the meeting place and negotiations followed.  The Emtarrians grow a bean that Teyla described as being similar to coffee, though they use it in cooking rather than as a drink.  (That hadn’t stopped Rodney from requisitioning a coffee bean roaster on the next Daedalus run.)

As the talking droned on, ever more detailed about the life cycle and importance of _kweyshu_ crop, Rodney grew more enthralled by the data, showing Sheppard various odd readings as they popped up on his pad.  He was trying to figure out what a ping on an abandoned device meant when John flicked him in the ear, then tried to cover up by smiling nonchalantly. 

“What?”

John leaned closer, giving Rodney the opportunity to appreciate the long, lean lines of his neck, and the slow throb of his pulse.  “So what is it?” John whispered.

“Looks like some sort of Ancient energy signature.”

“If you can’t be bothered paying attention, then by all means,” John said.  He gestured with the hand not resting on his P90.

“Oh, okay, then.”  Glancing around as he got up, he left his laptop on the table and walked outside.

The radio in his ear buzzed, and Sheppard said, “Don’t go far.”

“Roger that,” he responded. 

The energy signature was right behind the meetinghouse, so Rodney could still hear Teyla’s melodious voice.  He was scanning a tangle of small pipes that emerged from the building when a shadow hit his peripheral vision.  He glanced up and saw a little girl no older than four or five, who wasn’t dressed like the rest of the Emtarrians, and showed no expression.  “Hey, who’re you?” he started to ask.  But suddenly his eyes got heavy, and the last thing he saw as he crumpled to the ground was the child watching him.

~*~*~

The pulsing ache in his head announced his return to consciousness.  And though his surroundings were undoubtedly the Atlantis infirmary, a strange hum in the background made him feel off kilter.  He squinted, grateful that the lights were dimmed, which kept the spiking pains at an almost tolerable level.  “Oww,” he said, shielding his eyes.  “What happened?”

“You tell us?” Sheppard replied.  He, Teyla, and Ronon were clustered around Rodney's bed.  “What happened to you?”

Rodney studied his team, but his headache grew sharper, so he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “Last thing I remember was checking out the energy signature and listening to Teyla.  Then there was a little girl.  She watched me.  And then I woke up here.”

“We didn’t see a child,” John said, looking at Ronon and Teyla, who shook their heads.  “We found you behind the building, picked you up, and brought you back here.  To Atlantis.”

Sheppard sounded oddly formal but the more Rodney thought about it, the more his head hurt. “What’s wrong with me?” he asked. He looked around, noticing that he was the only patient.  There was usually at least one, from a mission gone bad, or mishaps in the training room (never the labs, though!).  Maybe the expedition was finally getting a break.

“Doc says you’re fine,” John said, and Teyla nodded in agreement.

“Then why the hell did I pass out?”

Sheppard just shrugged and pulled down the side rail.  “Wanna get out of here?”  

Rodney looked at him like he’d grown a second _and_ third head.  “Shouldn’t I, I don’t know, get discharged first?”  His head began to throb harder.

John looked at Teyla and Ronon, then nodded.  “We’ll go get Carson.”  The three of them then left the infirmary.

A few seconds later, Carson appeared from behind the curtain.  “Hello, Rodney.”  He fiddled with the settings on the Ancient monitor before saying, “You’re fit as a horse. You can go back to work.”

Work was the farthest thing from Rodney’s mind at the moment.  He just wanted to go take a nap in the darkest room in Atlantis and see if that would stop the throbbing.  This wasn’t a migraine, but it reminded him of one.  “What the hell happened?” he asked as he swung his legs over the side of the gurney.

“Dunno,” Carson replied. “Nothing we can see on the scanners. You’re free to go back to work.” He helped Rodney slide off the gurney, where he stood with a slight wobble.

“Can’t I at least get something for the pain?”

Carson cocked his head to one side as he steadied Rodney.  “We, uh, gave you a little something while you were out.  It should be taking effect any moment now.”

As if on cue, the throbbing went from a sharp ache to dull.  “There it is,” Rodney said as the pain lessened.  “Still, I think I’m gonna go lay down.”

“As you wish, lad,” Carson said.  He gave Rodney’s shoulder a squeeze and then retreated to his office.  Rodney usually found the infirmary comforting (as long as none of his team was hurt), but today it felt as odd as the background hum so he hurried out.

Rodney was thankful not to meet anybody as he headed to his room, even as he thought how odd it was. The hallways were usually bustling with people asking him questions, or needing advice on projects gone sideways, but today there wasn't so much as a 'Can you look at this for me?'  It was definitely a welcome change of pace.

Somewhere near the control room, Rodney stopped, closed his eyes, and concentrated for a second on Atlantis' background hum.  Something about it seemed a touch off, though he couldn’t quantify exactly what.  As he concentrated on it, his headache threatened to reappear, so he resumed walking, happy when the pain faded to nothing.  He spotted a few people as he entered the nearest transport, but nobody tried to stop him.  Rodney thought that everyone was feeling unusually self-reliant today as he left the cabinet, walked to his room, and kicked off his shoes.  Moments later, he fell across his bed and into a deep, dreamless sleep.

~*~*~

When he woke up, Rodney was still exhausted.  He yawned and went to scratch his belly, only to realize he was fully dressed, and in yesterday's clothes.  He got out of bed grumbling about his restless sleep, and wondered if Carson had something to help if it happened again.  As he stretched, he glanced at his watch and realized that breakfast was ending soon. He grabbed a quick shower, then dressed and rushed off to the Mess. 

The first thing he noticed – besides the hum still being _off_ – was that it was nearly deserted.  He grabbed a muffin and a few strips of what passed for bacon in Pegasus, and then filled one of his special double-sized coffee mugs to the brim.  The muffin turned out to be startlingly bland, so he abandoned it for the bacon.  Sadly, _it_ was cold and rubbery, so he sighed and focused on his coffee.  It was bitter and bold, exactly how he preferred it, and he finished it in two deep drafts, savoring the warmth and flavor. 

He tossed the remnants of his unsatisfactory breakfast in the compost bin, and checked the food options again.  Nothing else looked (or smelled) appetizing, so he refilled his mug and left for the lab. Mornings like this were why he stashed MREs and powerbars in his quarters and labs.

As he walked, he realized that his footfalls were in rhythm with the background hum.  That had never happened before, mainly because the hum of _his_ Atlantis had no rhythm.  It was random, like a toddler's blinking.  So how could _this_ hum fall into sync with him?

His mind began to form a hypothesis, and he left it alone to develop.  The weird hum, the lack of personnel.  Even the control room had only a few people working, more suitable to a night shift than mid-morning.   As if on cue, several people exited Elizabeth’s office and went to sit at control consoles. Elizabeth followed them, catching Rodney’s eye and nodding. Rodney gave her a small smile and continued on to his favorite lab.

As he sat down, he felt a twinge in his back.  He figured he’d slept funny, or his poor sleep could be due to his mattress.  Maybe it was time to requisition a new one from Earth.  He pulled up the latest requisition form, sipping his coffee as the 'working' symbol slowly swirled on his screen.  “Why is it taking so long?” he asked out loud.

“Scheduled maintenance,” came a voice from behind him.  Rodney looked, but no one was there.  When he turned back around, he spotted Zelenka at his own desk, studying some Ancient objects.  Someone had obviously been playing light switch, but Rodney didn’t remember anyone finding a new stash of artifacts.

His hindbrain percolated along.  The hum. The lack of personnel in normally bustling areas. Sheppard's odd formality.  And the fact that Miko wasn’t in the lab.  She was an incorrigible morning lark, and usually the first one in.

As soon as she entered Rodney’s thoughts, there was a shuffling noise behind him.  “Sumimasen,” Miko said.  “I had some things to deal with this morning.” She hung her jacket on the back of her chair and immediately went to work.  Even with the three of them in the lab, it was unnaturally quiet.

Rodney's hypothesis was fast becoming a theory, but he didn’t want to give it away.  It was easy enough not to think about it, because focusing on any oddity seemed to make his headache return.  Instead, he dug a chocolate powerbar out of his desk and unwrapped it.

“Is there anything we need to discuss about current projects?”  He concentrated on projects they'd already completed as he took his first bite.  He chewed, finding it as bland as his breakfast had been. 

As he struggled to swallow the chalky mass, he recalled a trip to the Ghirardelli company in San Francisco:  the rich smell you could almost taste, the mouthfeel of a really decadent dark chocolate, and how the endorphins it released had made him feel.  He pictured the next bite of his powerbar having the taste and texture of that Ghirardelli chocolate.  And it worked!  The gritty, tasteless bar was now smooth and decadent, and his mood had even improved.

His hypothesis was nearly robust enough to call a theory, but good science means being able to replicate the results.  Time for a little fun. 

“Radek, how’s Lorne doing?” he asked before taking another bite.

“Lorne?  Evan Lorne?  Oh, he’s doing just fine.  You know.  Evan.”

Rodney nodded.  “Good, good.  How long have you two been dating now?  Ten years?  Eleven? You really need to put a ring on that.”  Rodney quickly pictured a specific ring, and then an extremely pregnant Lorne.  “Especially since he’s five or six weeks along already? He's as big as a house.”

Radek looked lost for a second, then pulled a small box out of his drawer and waved for Miko to join them at Rodney’s desk. 

“Rodney, is impolite to say so about Evan.  But is true; he looks like he’s having twins.”  He opened the box to reveal a large blue stone surrounded by diamonds – a perfect replica of Princess Diana’s engagement ring.  (Rodney only knew what it looked like because Jeannie'd been an absolute freak of a Princess Diana fan.)  “I plan to propose when we bring the baby home.”

Radek suddenly keyed his earpiece.  “Da? Yes, love.  Be there in a moment.”  He went to stash the ring in his desk and said, “Evan needs me.  Be back in a few.”

Rodney followed him and extended a hand.  “Congratulations, Radek.  Let us know if you need any help.”

Radek accepted the handshake with a grin, and quickly left.

So his hypothesis was now a fully-fledged theory.  He almost opened his mouth to put an end to it, but had a devious thought and decided to have more fun before whatever this was ended.  He visualized the soldiers he’d once seen in Scotland, then tapped his radio.  “Hey, Sheppard.  Radek’s gone to help Lorne and I’ve got some free time.  Wanna come play with some Ancient toys?” 

Footsteps sounded in the corridor, and he heard John’s voice both over the radio and approaching outside.  “Already on my, buddy,”  A few seconds later, John Sheppard, Colonel in the United States Air Force, showed up in the ceremonial dress of a Drum Major in the Royal Regiment of Scotland band, right down to the golden scepter and enormous feathered hat. 

Rodney laughed out loud. “You know I love it when you wear the full outfit.  But you know the hat gets in the way when we…  You know.”

John immediately took off the hat and leaned in close.  “You wanna?” He cocked an eyebrow at Miko.  “We could go somewhere private.”

“C'mon, Sheppard.  You know Kusanagi likes to watch.  Or don’t you remember how she reacted last time we made out?”

John let loose with his donkey bray as Rodney smirked smugly.  When he recovered, he said, “Don’t mind us, Miko." 

John ran his hands up Rodney's arms, then reached around until he was palming Rodney’s ass.  Having Sheppard pressed all along his front nearly made Rodney forgot what he was trying to prove.  He relaxed and watched John come even closer. 

Rodney enjoyed John's kisses for longer than he'd intended.  Combined with John cupping his ass, they made his pants tighten a bit uncomfortably.

“Okay.  That's enough.” Rodney put his hand on John’s chest and stepped back.  “Whoever’s doing this, I’m done."

John and Miko looked at each other.  “Doing what, Rodney?”

Rodney took a deep breath and fought the memory of kissing Sheppard. He looked up (not knowing exactly where to direct his comments) and said, “Enough is enough.  Whoever’s causing this – simulation?  I’m done, so you can stop already.” 

After a moment he repeated, “I know this is a simulation.” 

He gave it another ten seconds, squared his jaw, and shouted, “End this-”

Everything disappeared in a flash, and Rodney blinked against the glare as he concluded, “now!”

Rodney could now feel wires attached in various places, and once his vision cleared, see a group of people studying him.  He sat up and started pulling off wires, then realized he was naked.  His body didn’t know the kiss wasn’t real, and clearly displayed the effects simulation-Sheppard had on him.  He stopped detaching wires and covered himself. 

“Well?” he said.  Unable to gesture with his hands, he motioned with one shoulder for them to come and help him.

Half a dozen people, including the little girl he'd encountered behind the building, quickly surrounded him.  Except now that saw her close up, she was no child.  She was clearly an adult, though extremely short, as were all of her compatriots. 

“Hello, Doctor McKay,” she said as people removed wires from his naked being.  “That’s the fastest anyone has realized it was a simulation. May I ask what gave it away?”

Rodney smiled, but refused to speak until the final wire was removed.

~*~*~

Once he was dressed, Rodney'd had a long discussion with Drensa, the Ciaozzoan who arranged his capture. Her people were almost as advanced as the Ancients, but preferred to remain secluded, studying the outside world by putting people in simulations and watching their reactions. 

 He’d been given a piece of technology, no larger than a bar of soap,  that he could use to contact them if he wanted. Maybe one day he would, but only after he was done being pissed at them.  Drensa accompanied him halfway down a corridor, then stopped.

“Walk through the end of the passageway, and you will be back behind the building where we met.  Be well, Doctor McKay.”

Rodney didn’t look back as he walked away.  He felt a weird tug as he crossed an invisible threshold, and immediately turned around, only to find the back of the building and the pipes he’d been studying earlier.  He ran his hands along the building, but felt only solid rock.  The Ciaozzoan people were indeed advanced.

When he gave up on uncovering the entrance, he heard Teyla’s voice raised above a cacophony of others. He’d forgotten to ask Drensa how long he had been gone, but his construct of time probably meant nothing to them.  He walked around the building and found Teyla standing amongst a group of Emtarrians, though she was now – somehow – dressed in full combat gear with a bandage on her shoulder. 

“Teyla?  What's going on?"

The crowd fell silent, and Teyla’s expression changed from anguish to relief.  She was at his side in a moment, and pulled him down so they could touch foreheads. 

“Rodney,” she finally said, hugging him fiercely.  “We have been looking for you for days.  Where have you been?”

Days?

Before Rodney could respond, she tapped her radio.  “Colonel Sheppard?  Ronon? Rodney has reappeared.  We are at the village center.”

That made Rodney realize that his radio was gone.  The Ciaozzoans must have kept it.  Luckily, he clearly heard Sheppard's reaction, which included a long string of expletives, over Teyla's radio.

“He says he’ll explain when you two get back here,” Teyla said.  She clicked off her radio and smiled at Rodney.  “This is certainly cause for celebration.”

By the time Sheppard, Ronon, and two other search teams showed up an hour later, Teyla and Rodney had shared half a bottle of ale. 

“You’ve been gone over a week, McKay.  Where the hell have you been?” John demanded.  He looked Rodney up and down, and then asked, “You okay, Rodney?”

Rodney blamed the ale for the instant effect John's look had on him after what happened with simulation Sheppard.  He told his body to calm the fuck down as he drained his glass.  “Have I got a tale to tell.”

Word of Rodney’s return made it to Atlantis, and a puddlejumper showed up to add more expedition members to his audience, along with at least a dozen Emtarrians.  John sat at his side as Rodney told his tale, leaning against him as if to reassure himself that Rodney was real.

When Rodney got to the part with the powerbar, Lorne rubbed his belly and said, “Now I want some chocolate. Mom used to take us to Ghirardelli at least once a month."

Rodney laughed so hard he couldn't make a sound.  He then explained his next test, where Lorne was pregnant, which made everyone, including Lorne, laugh. 

“So, where was I in all this?” John asked.

Rodney couldn’t help but blush as memories once again flooded over him.  He told John about how he’d been so stiff at the beginning of the simulation, but 'neglected' to mention the end.

“What’s that look?” John asked.

Rodney smiled.  “Let’s just say you do justice to a kilt, Colonel.”

After a round of laughs, John took Rodney’s elbow and stood up.  “C’mon, Rodney.  Let’s get you back to Atlantis and in to see Carson.”

~*~*~

They arrived in Atlantis just past suppertime, and Rodney was released from the Infirmary two hours later.  John stayed with him, as the others peeled off to get supper or some much-needed rest. But as soon as Carson released Rodney, John pulled Rodney into the hallway. 

“Come with me."

“Where’re we going?”

“My quarters first,” John said as he pushed Rodney into a transporter.  He gave Rodney a wink as he touched the screen.  "After this last week, I deserve a beer.” 

John grabbed a six-pack and then manhandled Rodney back to the transporter.  Rodney couldn’t help smiling when the doors opened on the east pier, their usual spot. 

He sat down and took the beer John handed him, wondering when he'd started drinking Molsons, only to remember saying that he preferred it over John's usual brand.  He smiled as John sat closer than usual.

“Thanks."  He cracked the beer and took a sip, then leaned back and looked out at flashes of moonlight hitting the water.  “The Ciaozzoan’s would have _never_ gotten this right."  He glanced at John, who looked uncomfortable.  “What?”

John took a deep breath before opening his own beer.  “A kilt, huh? That’s a new one.”

“You and kilts, right? Who'd've thought it?  But it worked.” Rodney didn’t want to give anything away by looking at John, so he concentrated on the moon's reflection again.

“What _aren’t_ you telling me?” John demanded. “I've known you for a long time, Rodney.  And I can tell when you’re not telling me everything.”

Rodney’s face grew hot, but he couldn't lie.  “You kissed me,” he whispered, barely audible above the waves.

John looked out over the ocean.  “So?”

“So?” Rodney repeated. “John, I know you don't-“

John interrupted Rodney by kissing him.  Chastely at first, until Rodney grabbed a handful of John’s shirt to pull him closer. Rodney finally pulled back to smile at John.

“Ciaozzoan’s didn’t get that right, either.”

**Author's Note:**

> Royal Regiment of Scotland Drum Major:
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Band_of_the_Royal_Regiment_of_Scotland#/media/File:BandSergeantMajor_RoyalRegimentofScotland.jpg

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Doing It Justice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17446052) by [Brumeier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brumeier/pseuds/Brumeier)




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